Work ethics…

I am really grateful for my team which I have handpicked myself, and I really love working with them.
But today I have faced a little problem.
She insists that, unless she’s been told in an email, she does not need to do it.
Maybe it is to do with the fact that I am a little older and have worked in the industry a little longer.
Or maybe it is the fact that I have been burnt too many times and I want to cover my own back.
But that fact is, you cannot wait until you are told to do things.
We have to be pro-active in certain situations, and in our case, where it can impact us, it is best to get things done earlier because it means that we will have more time and not be pushing for time and start to panic and complains we don’t have the time do things.
All I did today was ask about it, and ask if we have a timeline and what is the approval date.
She said to me, “it hasn’t been approved yet, and we haven’t been told yet, so we are double okay”.
I said we need to be pro-active and make sure we track what is ongoing and do the task as it also affects us.
She said, “Even if we weren’t told about it?”
The change affects our market, and we have to action on it, because it will be our fault for not doing something.
She said again ,”Even if we weren’t told about it?”
I said, “They would have expected us to talk internally. We talk about other things internally, so why not this one?”.
She was a little hostile to me after that.
​

Day 10 (confidence)

I have been worried about the meeting this afternoon because it was going to be with the crazy ass bitch and her sidekick – who can be okay sometimes, but it depends on what side of her bed that she gets up.

Anyway.

It was meant to be with multiple people – nearly 10 – over the phone. Usually this meeting is done face to face (hence I have been going to all sorts of interesting places excluding France that I haven’t been or revisiting places that I have been) but because travelling takes a lot of time out of our daily routine and also means we have to spend additional cash, they decided to do this virtually instead.

It’s good for me because it means I don’t have to see the bitch, and I can do it in my pyjamas.

It turned out that only five people were in the meeting, three of them (including me) are from my company, and the other two are the clients. I told lovely Iceland man that I don’t know if I was ready for it, and he said “you are ready”. Halfway through the call we managed to have a quick coffee break, and I asked both Iceland man and the other person from our group (French Belgian lady) if it was okay so far, both them said yes and Iceland man said “you sound like you know what you are doing” and I said “NO I DON’T”. I also thank the French Belgian lady for being there because I need the extra support.

And she has additional information so it was helpful to have her around.

It finished early because there’s no other cross functional input, just us.

Because it well enough and that the crazy ass bitch’s sidekick sounded happy, I think it was okay and I feel a little more confidence than than last week. There’s some confusion last week and I managed to get through this today without much problem, so I feel a lot better and I think I am less likely to get anxious and panicky in the next few weeks.

I think.

On the other hand we can complain about the lack of attendance – it’s supposed to be all related departments and none of them turned up.

HA.

Also I have managed to find another thing that we get to fight back on the bitch’s front – we have been assigned all sorts of crazy procedures to read.

Like how to exit the building when there is a fire.

We aren’t even in any of the buildings.

I followed up on what was discussed with the lady at the client office yesterday, and she sent me an email saying thank you after copying her into the email.

She doesn’t feel as cold as when we first talked and it was crazy how mad it had been.

But we’re nearly there.

Nearly.

Getting so close now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Also… crazy moment.

An old classmate of mine has to pay about £95 so that their child can secure a place to go to PRE-NURSERY.

No you haven’t heard me wrong – PRE-NURSERY.

And I am going to spend about four time that amount on a “stupid” (as I was told multiple times by multiple people) long cardigan (cashmere no less) when I am in Milan at the beginning of next month.

She thought it was expensive that she had to pay for pre-nursery. I think it’s a bargain on my going-to-be new cardigan: my last one lasted me ten freaking years and it was double the price… ten years ago.

I know what my priorities are… until I have kids.

Even with kids I think I will have my own priority.

PRE-FUCKING-NURSERY.

THE CHILD IS 9 months for fuck’s sake.

Day 9 (outing)

Today is one of those days where I don’t feel like I have been overloaded and I don’t feel as negative as the past few days.

Clap clap clap.

I had a long call this morning, and I had a long afternoon but it went better than I thought.

Everything seemed to have fallen into place, and everything seems to work out okay at the moment. There are lots of handover and there’s lots of information to take in, but it all turned out to be okay.

I also caught up with the programme manager and she was telling how crazy all of it has been and that they are making things harder for everybody for no reason at all.

It’s near the end now.

So near.

Everything will be fine.

I keep saying that.

I met up with Midori to have dinner, even though it’s only for a few hours, it was just so lovely to see her and just to chat about life.

Also for me to get a different prospective on things.

Holiday soon.

It really is.

I am nearly there.

Day 8 (I feel better I think)

I got an apology from the person who told me that she was “disappointed” and that she knows she reacted too quickly.

And she also still have faith in me, and she knows I am trying my best and she is grateful.

I don’t know if that makes me better.

The only time I get told I am doing okay, and that even though I am a disappointment she still think it’s okay because I have a corrective action in place.

That shouldn’t be the way it works.

It’s like a slap on your face and then give you ice-cream.

There was talk about going to Germany.

Luckily so far it looks like it probably won’t happen at the moment.

They might change their mind though.

Who knows.

I am so ready for my holiday.

Any time now.

Today it’s rest for abs but I did a few of the abs work out, and I carried on with the planking.

It surprises me actually. I do feel stronger even though it hurts like hell.

Day 3 (it is what it is)

It’s a shit day.
There’s no denying it.
The last nail to the coffin.

The cracks are showing, and literally minutes before I told someone to stop worrying about slaps on the wrist, the shit hits the fan and next thing I know I was in tears in the toilet to get the pressure out of the system and trying to calm myself down.

Of course I got back inside and the next thing I know I was back crying in the kitchen after someone hugged me, see how my eyes are red. There’s so much love and I am grateful for everybody round me telling me it’s okay and I’m doing more than enough, but I was told I have “disappointed”, and I should “have known better”.

My pride didn’t let me live that down.

Those fucking words hurts.

My action led to consequences, and these consequences put burden on others, and of course it wasn’t just a slap on the wrist, it was full on verbal caning, salt on the wound.
Given the history of the situation, it made if made it worse.

You know when they said “don’t bring up previous problems into a new argument” for a relationship?

That shit comes back to haunt you when you are not talking about relationship.
Shit situation accumulated and the next think you know it’s all used against you to tell you “you did not learn your lesson”.

Also the fact that I did it for everything else but not this specific one makes me beat myself up inside. I literally want to ask myself “ARE YOU STUPID”.

I am started to doubt myself and question if I am good enough for everything I’m doing.
Am I good enough?
Do I REALLY know what I am doing?
Is this REALLY what I want?

REALLY.
IS THIS WHAT I REALLY SERIOUSLY WANT?

Whoever said “not broken just bent” doesn’t understand when a situation gets so bad, not only you are broken, you ended up dead inside, get resurrected and being broken all over again because it wasn’t enough to be dead just once – sometimes not even twice or thrice.

Dead, resurrected, dead again, resurrected again…

A never-ending cycle until you cannot be resurrected anymore, because every time you are resurrected, you lost a little, and eventually you lost it all.
I keep saying “it’ll be fine”, and “everything will be okay”, so maybe it’s time for me to not just say it but believe in it.

I can joke about killing off people, make it look like an accident with my forensic background.
I can brush it off and said “it is what it is”, but it isn’t.
I can joke about being pro-active and provide a “controlled” environment for people to make a complaint.
I can ignore everything that people say and make it all better by without defending myself or saying anything.

But it isn’t the truth.

The truth is that I was naïve enough to think it went well enough and that I was prepared – Obviously my expectation is not as high as the others.
The truth is that it hurts when people said you have disappointed and you FUCKED up.
The truth is that I thought I did well, but I didn’t.
Maybe I really am not good enough at what I am doing.
Maybe I really don’t know what I am doing and I am just winging it.

Maybe this isn’t what I want.

It’s a bit late to say that, because it’s coming up to the eighth year of what I am doing now. So far I enjoy it and love what I do, despite the fact that there has been bumps along the way. I have had difficulty and problems in my jobs before, but it wasn’t anything that I feel like I can’t get over, and I get over them every time. But maybe I’m like a vehicle that when you have been over too many bumps, the suspension eventually gives up and you stop thinking what you can do, and focus on what you can’t.

And I really don’t think I can list one thing that I am good at in my job right now.

My head hurts probably from dehydration.
My mind running at 300 miles per hour, trying to not to think about it but it isn’t possible.
My body aches from sitting in front of the computer and not having enough exercise (and from the 30 days fitness thing I’m doing).

I’m just tired and fed up.

I have so far kept up with my 30 days fitness challenge, and my core hurts like there is no tomorrow.
Which is a good thing.
It’s a sign that I am working them and it’s a sign I’m working out.
I’m keeping that going.
I am not saying it’s going to help at all but it’s the pain that I need I think.
And I remember why I got one of my biggest tattoos after I broke up.
The physical pain helps with coping with the mental pain. The three hours on the chair, getting stabbed over a thousand times on my ribs by tiny little needles was my relief.
It was what reminded me that I’m real, and that it’s okay to “feel” and that was my “feel” from the depression.
I remember the pain from tattoo so well.
And I was thinking if I can just pop into a tattoo parlour somewhere to get “It will be fine” earlier.

(That’s the phase I have been saying this year – it literally became my thing. Even my trusty minions at work knows when I am about to say it and they’ll say it for me)

Time? What time?

I remember someone once said to me that you will always have time for everything if you put your mind to it.

That is such a lie.

I don’t have time for everything.

I looked at my work calendar and I swear to god I have no time for myself.

I really don’t.

Part of me is thinking there is a reason why I am alone because I have no time for a social life.

My friends understand, but someone new?

No chance.

It’s Sunday today and I worked.

It was Saturday last night and I came back from a short break from work.

And I was working.

I always say I will never be those poor working all the freaking time and not have a life, but I am walking towards that direction and I am feeling it.

Definitely feeling it and I just don’t want to do anything.

I’m tired and I had enough.

I don’t want to be dealing with people except for those I work with, but now I am dealing all sorts of crazy asses and I am getting to the point where I just want to give it all up.

But I can’t.

I am too far into this now.

And I want to get it over and down with.

The call

I got an email from the crazy ass woman today, asking for my mobile number.

And seeing her email asking for my number, I was very uneasy for the whole day.

I keep telling people I’m okay, and it’ll be fine but I have been panicky and all stressed out about the meeting in Helsinki because it went so badly last time.

I emailed her back with my work number, and she emailed back and said she will call me at lunch time or late afternoon before her flight.

I didn’t know what to do and I was aggravated through the afternoon.

The kids at work thought it was hilarious in the beginning, and then they realised I was serious.

Multiple people have told me it’ll be okay and I cannot thank them enough because I need to calm down.

I know I do.

But it’s difficult especially she said nothing about what she wants to talk about.

It disturbed what I want to do today.

My mentor, who is a little crazy and a little weird but totally lovely (she only becomes my mento only this year, because we work closely together) told me not to worry about me and just be myself because she thinks I’m at my best when I am me.

I waited for her call at lunch time.

My work phone is never on because I don’t need to use it much, and I am not a fan of the Android phone.

I am Apple through and through.

I brought my work phone with me when I went for a walk at lunch time to the supermarket, when I got my hair dye (because she complained My hair was not a respectable colour last time).

Nothing.

I kept my work phone with me on the desk until five whilst I was doing my actual job and try not to worry about this call.

Nothing.

I forward all my calls from my work phone to my personal phone in case she is going to call after work.

Nothing.

I have my personal phone with me all the time after I left work. Admittedly I have no signal at some part of my journey, but there was no voicemail and there is no messages.

Nothing.

And when I got home, my personal phone was with me all the time, and I did not un-forward the calls from my work phone to my personal phone because I know I will definitely know when my personal phone rings.

Nothing.

I am obviously going to go to bed now.

And she hasn’t called.

No joke even when I was in a relationship I didn’t have to wait for anybody to call me.

Even CLEB respect that and calls when he promised.

I’m still panicky and even though the meeting is not until Thursday, I know I’m going to have to get as much sleep as I can tonight, because I know tomorrow will be difficult for me to sleep.

My taxi is picking me up at 07:30 tomorrow morning (RUSH HOUR) for the 11:05 flight.

Hopefully it will be uneventful. I don’t need anymore stress in my life.

Aftermath

Remember I mentioned the Friday was crazy because people were not reacting or overreacting?

Turned out I was right and I did the right thing.

Turned out everybody is supportive of what I have done.

That was a massive relief for me.

This compensates my crazy journey into work.

I was out of the house at 05:30.

Usually I get into work by 08:15.

I didn’t get to work until 09:00.

First my usual train was cancelled.

Then when I was on the train to the second city, someone has jumped the line from London to the second city and it was delayed.

Luckily I didn’t miss any calls of meetings and everything was okay.

It was just busy and crazy as per usual.

Tuesday tomorrow.

Helsinki is getting hella close.

Overdue brunch

In my second job in the pharmaceutical industry, I worked with amazing people (4 lovely ladies), despite the fact that our head of department is an asshole.

I was the first one to leave the company officially, because baby mama was on maternity leave (she handed her notice in half a year after I did, just before she was meant to go back to work). Then the one who joined us last left, and after that it was the two long serving members of the team (and then there was no one in the department left except for the alien headed asshole).

But five of us meet up regularly for lunch, or today – brunch.

It’s just good to catch up, checking what everybody is doing and gossip.

I miss them so much.

They are the best people that I worked with because for me, it was the first proper team of people in the industry.

It’s crazy how time flies.

And my sock drawer is still intact and neat.

What makes me – me

Day after day, I thought really hard on this.

What makes me me?

How did I get here?

What did I do to get here?

Why am I here?

One of the things that this blog was meant to help me to do was to love myself after the messy ending of the toxic relationship that I am (still) recovering from. Also for me to document my happiness, my sadness, everything I have in my head but I can’t say it out because I can’t.

It’s okay in a western world to talk about your problems, and if your family isn’t perfect, then it isn’t because there is no perfect family. In an eastern world, it’s NOT okay to talk about your family when it is not perfect. You have to be perfect in the public eye.

Mental health problem?

It can be healed! There’s no such thing as mental health problem.

I have been “cured” from manic depressive.

(I’m coping)

I am here because I need an outlet.

I need to talk/write about my problems, just talk a bit random thing that happened before, now and in the future.

Mental health is not a taboo subject.

It is definitely not talked about enough and I can bet you people round you will suffer one way or another from mental health problems.

Sometimes the best way to get over something is to rip open the damn scar until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

It’s like the two type of exposure therapy. Throw it all at you in one go and overdose you, or expose you slowly. The more you do it, the less you will react to it.

Scars like a long-term relationship that ended badly always take nearly forever to overcome all the feelings and emotions, but it never leaves.

It always comes back to haunt you, one way or another.

It’s been a while now.

Does it hurt? Everyday.

Do I still care? Yes.

They always say forgive and forget.

Forgive but not forgotten.

I don’t forgive and definitely this is not forgotten.

Because this is something that will remind me not to be stupid again.

That is part of what made me, me too.

I did a career talk today at my old school – for 12/13-year-olds (they weren’t born when I left school, it makes me feel old).

Because I’m a Scientists that doesn’t wear lab coats and goggles, and I’m not a pharmacist, a doctor, a vet or a dentist.

My career makes me, me.

It doesn’t define me, but it’s a status.

That thirty-something that has a career.

And she is independent.

The best part, besides being inspirational to the little ones (the future ones), is to go back to my old school and spend time just being there.

Obviously I got a goodie bag but it’s not just any goodie bag – it’s a goodie bag with my school logo on it, a pen with my school logo on it, a notebook with my school logo on it AND a bottle of prosecco.

And I’m me.

So far I’m happy to be me.

Well most of the time I am happy.

I currently am a 33-year-old with pink hair, wearing a fluffy hoodie, on my way back from the place where most of my treasured and happy memories are.

The last few years has been challenging and I am still trying/learning to cope with everything, but I have all the support from my family and friends, I am feeling totally invincible!

Bring on the next year!!!